I just cut my nipple shaving
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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