paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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