My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
