I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
