I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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