My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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