Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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