My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize