New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
