She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
