I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
