I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
