there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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