i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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