Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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