he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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