How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need to calm my uterus...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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