"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize