Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
