its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
