Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
