u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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