Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
