so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize