My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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