I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
