The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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