I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This is the high leading the old right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
