Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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