so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
