Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
then he tried to convert me to islam
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
