I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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