Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
