You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
