You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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