I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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