We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
