i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
