I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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