I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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