I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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