I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
