Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
