No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
