I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I will pee on everything he values.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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