That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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