I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
