Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
