youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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