I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
