i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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