I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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