Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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