So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
