Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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