Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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