I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
