yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
